1. Darren Aronofsky’s Noah.
Surely Aronofsky’s adaptation of Israel’s adaptation of Babylon’s adaptation of a great flood story is an affront to God.
2. Hobby Lobby’s insurance requirements.
Because Jesus said, “requiring companies to provide insurance for employees and their contraceptive needs is an abomination.”
Just look into the eyes of evolution’s harbinger, Bill Nye the Science Guy, and tell me you don’t see pure evil.
4. Gay people.
Everyone knows same sex attraction is a plot of the devil to thwart humanity’s desperately needed population boom.
5. World Vision’s decision to hire gay people.
Which it then reversed after “defenders of the faith” threatened to take food out of the mouths of its babes.
6. Marijuana legalization.
“Eat whatever is sold in the meat market… ‘for the earth and its fullness are the Lord’s’… why should I be denounced because of that for which I give thanks? So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do everything for the glory of God.” “Except marijuana. That stuff is a no-no” (1 Corinthians 10).
Because the poor cannot be “blessed” nor “inherit the kingdom” if we help them out of their medically-induced poverty…
8. No prayer in schools.
These totally existent school policies prevent students from praying quietly to themselves and during their free-time on campus; they also make God wait for his after school prayers, and you know how impatient he gets.
9. Neil Degrasse Tyson’s reboot of Cosmos.
Evolution. The multiverse. Criticizing the Holy Inquisition. What about this show isn’t purely slapping Jesus in the face?
10. The War on Christmas.
Christmas is technically nine months away, but the turf wars are bound to come again, just like the birthday boy.
And since this list is definitive, feel free to point out any other contemporary battles over the fate of our great religion… just don’t include imaginary things like wealth inequality.
Allen Marshall O’Brien is the pastor of a UCC church in Northern California and co-host of the Irenicast. He believes in the importance of education, peace, and ecology, throws things to his border collie Sonata, and writes for multiple platforms.
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