The Definitive List of 2014’s Attacks on Christianity Which, Um, Aren’t That at All.

1. Darren Aronofsky’s Noah.

Noah Surely Aronofsky’s adaptation of Israel’s adaptation of Babylon’s adaptation of a great flood story is an affront to God.

2. Hobby Lobby’s insurance requirements.

Hobby Lizobby Because Jesus said, “requiring companies to provide insurance for employees and their contraceptive needs is an abomination.”

3. Evolution.

nye ham Just look into the eyes of evolution’s harbinger, Bill Nye the Science Guy, and tell me you don’t see pure evil.

4. Gay people.

Gay Wedding Everyone knows same sex attraction is a plot of the devil to thwart humanity’s desperately needed population boom.

5. World Vision’s decision to hire gay people.

World-Vision Which it then reversed after “defenders of the faith” threatened to take food out of the mouths of its babes. 

6. Marijuana legalization.

Marijuana “Eat whatever is sold in the meat market… ‘for the earth and its fullness are the Lord’s’… why should I be denounced because of that for which I give thanks? So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do everything for the glory of God.”  “Except marijuana. That stuff is a no-no” (1 Corinthians 10).

7. Healthcare.

COVERED CALIFORNIABecause the poor cannot be “blessed” nor “inherit the kingdom” if we help them out of their medically-induced poverty…

8. No prayer in schools.

prayer in schools These totally existent school policies prevent students from praying quietly to themselves and during their free-time on campus; they also make God wait for his after school prayers, and you know how impatient he gets.

9. Neil Degrasse Tyson’s reboot of Cosmos.

cosmosEvolution. The multiverse. Criticizing the Holy Inquisition. What about this show isn’t purely slapping Jesus in the face?

10. The War on Christmas.

War on Christmas Christmas is technically nine months away, but the turf wars are bound to come again, just like the birthday boy.

And since this list is definitive, feel free to point out any other contemporary battles over the fate of our great religion… just don’t include imaginary things like wealth inequality.

Allen Marshall O'Brien

Allen Marshall O’Brien is the pastor of a UCC church in Northern California and co-host of the Irenicast. He believes in the importance of education, peace, and ecology, throws things to his border collie Sonata, and writes for multiple platforms.

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  • Haha this was great! I’ve never understood why people say there is a “war on religion” in America.

  • What about every socialist attack on our God-given right to be capitalists?! Everyone knows Jesus blesses those who bless themselves with tax breaks and huge year end bonuses funded by a government bailout!

    • I kid you not, once in a sunday school class (not at my current church) the topic of greed came up. One of the people in the class said something along the lines of “But isn’t that one of the foundations of capitalism.” I don’t think I’d ever see someone so blatantly confuse the bible and capitalism before (or since thankfully).

  • Reblogged this on Invisible Mikey and commented:
    This made me laugh.

  • DGStieber

    I’ve heard that Country Music’s newfound non-homophobia counts as part of a war on Christians. Cause as Jesus said “lo, thy twangy music shall only be used to put down weirdos and strangers.”

    • DGStieber

      EDIT: I’m not trying to say that LGBT folks are weird or strange. That came out awkwardly.

      • No worries – it makes sense in context. I can’t guarantee, however, that people won’t fail to pick up on your satirical point. It happens here all the time 🙂

  • Well, to be fair the episode of Cosmo concerning Giordano Bruno could be used as a point. The show made the case that his views against heliocentrism were what caused him to be persecuted when it was his various religious views going against catholic dogma concerning God. This was mentioned in the show but it was might be considered a marginal comment at best.

  • Pam

    A woman expressed her concerns regarding the accuracy of the Noah movie. She asked me if I was going to see the movie. I told her I had already the book and knew the ending 🙂

  • This list is stupid, shallow, puerile choir-preaching (irony) that starts entirely from a perspective that religion is personal and not community-based, like a consumer good. The people who follow your this blog are clearly thinking along those lines, so why the fuck am I following you? Who the fuck are you? I don’t know how the hell you ended up on my reading list, but I need to find a way to get you off.

    Ciao, and may your consumerist liberal species go extinct in the near future, leaving the planet for those who don’t live to sate their basest desires.

    • Anonymous

      You know sir, I think you might be onto something there. And thank you for so accurately portraying the compassionate criticisms that have so endeared the modern forthright Christian to the heathen bastards of the world. I’m certain your grasp of the loving nature of the words and actions of Christ will stand you well as you go out into the world girded about with the assuredness of your straight forward, black and white view of the nature of reality and God’s unbounded, compassionate love. Let me be the first to say that those reading this blog wish you all the luck in finding out how to never have to read this again.

      • Anonymous

        Just realized I didn’t sign this. That would be rude. So, with a hand held out in fellowship let me introduce myself as Shawn Tolley.

      • Hi Shawn. Just so you know, I’m not a Christian and I find the ethics and metaphysics of Christianity to be ridiculous. I have no more desire to account comments improperly than you do.

    • I was a wee morose to see you go, until I discovered your blog tagline to be “Better Living Through Hierarchy.” In that case, an irenicon might not make the most interesting reading material to you.

      Good luck with your… thing.

      • As it turned out, I was never on your reading list. You were shared by Invisible Mikey, who is. I think I added him as a token egalitarian.

        You kids have fun trying to make the world work without authority.

  • I’ve also seen other Christians imply that worldly people saying things along the lines of “I don’t want to hear it, please leave me alone and stop trying to talk to me” is “persecution.”

  • Shawn Tolley

    Nice list, but you forgot teachers and any music that doesn’t directly say Christ at least 10 times.