Jesus Denies Having Wife, Says Foreknowledge of Followers’ Sexual Repression Assured His Perpetual Bachelorhood

jesus wife

In response to the verification of the ancient papyrus popularly dubbed Gospel of Jesus’ Wife, the Lord himself issued a statement denying that he ever married:

“I know that Dan Brown and a fourth century scribe have suggested that I tied the knot during my life on earth, but I want to say very clearly that the only knots I tied were in the stomachs of the religious establishment – no marriage for me.”

mystic siennaDebates about the humanity of Christ stem back to the earliest days of the Church and some see these as the “conversation behind the conversation” surrounding Jesus’ marital status. Others talk about the importance of fasting and sexual restraint in the pursuit of purity, ideas that Jesus himself admitted influenced his commitment to celibacy.

“Look, I hit puberty just like everyone else,” Jesus said. “Unlike everyone, however, I also possessed knowledge of the future. I knew how my followers would receive the news about my coupling; their romanticized notions of relationship and the taboo status they give to sexuality would be simply too strong.”

It wouldn’t be until the rise of mysticism in the 14th and 15th centuries that Jesus agreed to marital relations, but “even these,” he claims, “were only spiritual.”

Allen Marshall O'Brien

Allen Marshall O’Brien is the pastor of a UCC church in Northern California and co-host of the Irenicast. He believes in the importance of education, peace, and ecology, throws things to his border collie Sonata, and writes for multiple platforms.

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  • laurenvenn

    Thank you Jesus for clearing this up!