Updated on April 1, 2015
Jesus Denies Having Wife, Says Foreknowledge of Followers’ Sexual Repression Assured His Perpetual Bachelorhood
In response to the verification of the ancient papyrus popularly dubbed Gospel of Jesus’ Wife, the Lord himself issued a statement denying that he ever married:
“I know that Dan Brown and a fourth century scribe have suggested that I tied the knot during my life on earth, but I want to say very clearly that the only knots I tied were in the stomachs of the religious establishment – no marriage for me.”
Debates about the humanity of Christ stem back to the earliest days of the Church and some see these as the “conversation behind the conversation” surrounding Jesus’ marital status. Others talk about the importance of fasting and sexual restraint in the pursuit of purity, ideas that Jesus himself admitted influenced his commitment to celibacy.
“Look, I hit puberty just like everyone else,” Jesus said. “Unlike everyone, however, I also possessed knowledge of the future. I knew how my followers would receive the news about my coupling; their romanticized notions of relationship and the taboo status they give to sexuality would be simply too strong.”
It wouldn’t be until the rise of mysticism in the 14th and 15th centuries that Jesus agreed to marital relations, but “even these,” he claims, “were only spiritual.”