I tried to pray my sexuality away

File this one under TMI. It’s super intimate and not something I yell at strangers, but it’s just us here so I’ll let you in on a secret:

My faith gave me issues.

As a developing adolescent I routinely heard sexual expression outside of marriage was anathema. Masturbation was an affront to my Creator; only within marriage were my sexual feelings legitimate.

So I prayed. I asked the Source of all living things to kill this part of me, to castrate me in the pursuit of holiness. I created an internal liturgy and recited it for years: remove this from me. Temptation was strong, but I believed God was stronger and could bring me to marriage spotless, untouched. Then marriage would solve all of my problems and, more importantly, validate this deeply meaningful portion of my personhood. Read more “I tried to pray my sexuality away”

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When I See Pictures of Victims

To be sure, a cityscape is not made of flesh. Still, sheared-off buildings are almost as eloquent as bodies in the street.

-Susan Sontag, Regarding the Pain of Others

A photograph of refugees streaming out of war-torn Yarmouk introduces an online article. A humanitarian advertisement displays a malnourished dog, mostly skin and bones, on the brink of death. A Facebook friend posts infrared photographs of helicopter pilots firing rounds into a group of footsoldiers.

Violent images inundate my daily world.

Which is disturbing. Infuriating. I can’t tell you how many things I’ve seen that I would rather not see. Maybe should not see. My gut reacts and screams these pictures should not exist!

But another part of me thinks that they should. Read more “When I See Pictures of Victims”

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My Life With Night Terrors, Demons, And “Alice In Wonderland Syndrome”

“But I don’t want to go among mad people,” Alice remarked.
“Oh, you can’t help that,” said the Cat: “we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.”
“How do you know I’m mad?” said Alice.
“You must be,” said the Cat, “or you wouldn’t have come here.”

-Lewis Caroll, Alice in Wonderland

caterpillar_sans_alice_by_revolverwinds

My Childhood Demons

Peering out from beneath a pile of stuffed animals, I saw the shadowy figure sitting at the foot of my bunk bed. It stared at me from between the rungs of the ladder which led up to my snoring little brother; I felt the shadow watching me. A few days later, two more shadows would join the first and crowd around me.

I sunk further into my animals, desperate to avoid its gaze.

So goes my earliest memory and the beginning of my night terrors.

Until age ten, night terrors were a routine part of my childhood. Read more “My Life With Night Terrors, Demons, And “Alice In Wonderland Syndrome””

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What If The Guy Who Shot The Mid-Movie Texter Wasn’t Crazy?

This past week a retired police officer gunned down a man in a theater for texting during a movie.

He was texting his three-year-old daughter’s day care center.

Immediate reactions, including my own, supposed that the shooter was somehow mentally ill, or stressed out from a grueling career, or maybe fed up with systemic disrespect – the impoliteness of an in-theater text being the “straw that broke the camel’s back” in some sad parallel to Michael Douglas’ William Foster in Falling Down.

Falling Down Read more “What If The Guy Who Shot The Mid-Movie Texter Wasn’t Crazy?”

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The Art of Listening and Giving Damns

The average person receives very little high-quality listening from other people, probably less than five or ten minutes a week.
William Miller and Kathleen Jackson

"The Edison Phonograph". 1905 promot...

Listening is high art.

Sure, all of us are compulsive hearers – what with all of the televisions, talking heads, and fancy record players – but few of us listen and few are ever really listened to. Apparently we’re losing the skills, or maybe the attention span, required by this cognitively demanding process. So if you care about others, or at least want to resemble a decent human being, learn how to listen.

Here are some practical steps to get you there: Read more “The Art of Listening and Giving Damns”

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